Beda April 11: Things I Don't Understand

I’m sorry but once again our regularly scheduled programming will have to be put on hold.
Normally I’m a pretty happy person, I try not to let things get to me, but yesterday after I blogged everything kind of went to crap and I need to vent about it so sorry but this is going to be a poor me blog.
We’ll start with item number one, this isn’t the one that sent me off into “What-is-wrong with-me-land” but it did make me pretty unhappy. It needs a bit of back story so I’ll start with that.
In late August or early September my brother got a girlfriend. Normally I would be thrilled for this. I was hoping that he would get someone. However I was not thrilled with who he picked. When Nicky and I went to Chicago every time we would sit down for a break or on the way home every rest stop we hit this girl would call and he spent most of his time talking to her. The thing is, at that time she wasn’t even going out with him, she had a different boyfriend. Several weeks later she was still calling and texting him every two seconds so I asked my brother why she wasn’t texting her own boyfriend and it came out that they were now going out. (How he could stand her clingyness to even want to go out with her in the first place I will never know.) Anyway it took forever for Nicky to even introduce us, and I’ll be honest I had opinions about her before meeting her, but I tried to be nice and to be open-minded, but she annoyed me. I met her and I had to do all the talking, she spent the whole time looking at her phone, and she giggled at everything (not like a normal that was funny giggle but at things like “Hi I’m Ellie.” “Hi I’m Katie (giggle)” she does it after just about every sentence it’s weird.
So by the time Halloween came around my brother had basically stopped telling anyone in the family anything (including when he would be home, if he came home at all) and he stayed most night’s at Katie’s house which I happen this think is a bit inappropriate. I’m not from the middle ages or anything like that but my brother is nineteen and he was trying to get a degree (that’s another part of the story that I’ll get into in a minute.) and they both still live with their parents. If nothing else it’s just rude to the parents not to at least have him sleep on the couch or vice versa. Anyway moving on, well actually to backtrack a little bit, at the end of September my Grandma died and we all had to pack up on short notice and drive to New Hampshire for her funeral (She lived in Michigan for a good chunk of her life and for at least the last forty years but my Granddad is buried there because that’s where the really old family plot is and it’s where that side of the family is from…also where he spent most of is time. I could explain that better but it’s not the point of the blog.) You would think that Katie would understand this and chill out for the two and a half days we would be gone. Nope. After the funeral service everyone went back to the house (it’s a house that my family has up there which was built by my great great grandfather and it gets passed down and all that right now it’s got five different owners when they go it will have seven. It’s sort of a giant mess but again not the point.) and after hanging out there for a bit Nick and I decided to go into town we could have sat around awkwardly with the rest of the family but my dad’s cousins were leaving and my sister was having a lovely time boring the crap out of everyone talking crazy computer code with one of my uncles and the other uncle just doesn’t like me (He’s a woman hater mostly, he got over that for my sister because she’s going to be an engineer but I hate math and science and he just doesn’t like me.) So Nicky and I headed into town we both wanted to get sweatshirts and Nicky like the nice guy he usually is wanted to get Katie one. Now the phone reception in New Hampshire sucks (Except surprisingly in the graveyard. I knew that from previous trips not because I was on the phone during the funeral.) but it came it pretty well in Portsmouth so Nicky and I we’re walking down the street and his phone practically explodes. He had 8 missed calls and 12 text messages all from Katie. (Keep in mind by this point it was only about 2 in the afternoon, and according to my dad who was sharing a room with him, Nicky had been on the phone with Katie pretty much non stop until we left for the funeral.) Katie had become convinced that Nicky was ignoring her and that he was going to break up with her. So we only had a short time before we had to be back for dinner and I had to spend most of that time listening to Nicky calm Katie down. After that we quick had to go and buy our sweatshirts and rush back to the house. Then jump back in the car and follow my uncle to dinner. I sat next to Nicky and the whole time we were there his phone would go off about every ten minutes. On the way back to the hotel she got even more pushy, his phone would ring and as soon as it stopped it would start again. I don’t know about anyone else but I would have broken up with her for that alone I mean we were at a funeral she could give him the one day to be with his family and not entirely focused on her.
Okay jumping forward again. In January I moved in with my mom because 1. I was going to school and 2. I had to get out of my dad’s house it’s a depressing place I wasn’t doing anything there and I was getting stuck in a cycle of depression that wasn’t helped by anything around me, (again different story) Shortly after I moved out Katie started talking about on her facebook that she was packing up for moving day. I called my dad and asked about this because some of her context clues where a little alarming. It turns out that Nicky had invited Katie to move into our basement. I told my mom about this and she called over there to say absolutely not could that happen, because that is technically her house, she told my dad that no way could this girl move in, only if she agreed to pay rent could they MAYBE talk about it. My brother hearing this took that to mean that if Katie paid rent then sure go ahead it’s no big deal and there he was living in my basement with his girlfriend, which is another thing. My mom not being financially able to say no to the rent money (which they have only paid one out of four months on) said that if Katie stayed Nicky had to stay upstairs in his own room. He just flat out ignored that. I wish my parents would stand up to him, I understand that my mom isn’t there and can’t do much to enforce her rules but seriously I wish my dad would stop being so afraid of Nicky (that’s again another long story and this is getting long enough.)
So that’s where we stand as of this last week. On Thursday Nicky brought Katie over to here to my mom’s house and we were all being polite out having dinner and Nicky mentions to me that Katie loves the show Friends and that I have the game Friends Scene It so Katie get all “Oh I would win.” And me knowing that she does not know more about this show then I do point out that no I would win so she says “We’ll see.” In that snotty voice of know it all teenagers. I don’t try to be obnoxious with my brain but I get really competitive about trivia (I know it’s stupid but I’m really good at pointless trivia and I don’t like people telling me that they know more then I do.) So yesterday I sent my brother to ask her a question about Friends and she didn’t know and honestly the way she was talking about her knowledge of the show made it sound like she would like trivia so I thought it could be kind of a fun back and forth thing because no one ever will play trivia games with me so I was a little excited about it. Later I texted her another question which if she knew half as much as she claimed to know should have been easy. She sent back with “I don’t know I haven’t watched the show in years besides I have better things to do then sit around watching TV.” That is what pissed me off, okay I wasn’t trying to be rude I was trying to bond with her even though I don’t like her over something that she claimed to know a lot about and also the last part of that response. Who does she think she is? Yes I watch TV but I also go to school, if I don’t have a ride I walk, I spent a good part of the semester getting there two hours early because that was when I could get a ride. I do my homework and get really good grades on it. She does nothing she doesn’t go to school, she is quitting yet another job (that’s three in four months) and she just sits around trying to give herself skin cancer in my backyard while my brother works two jobs and had to drop out of school to support her. So really where does she get off saying something like that? Then this morning as I sat down to write about this she sent me another text. It said something along the lines of “Sorry I didn’t mean to be mean last night but I really can’t stand know it alls, it reminds me of why I hated high school.” Um how is that an apology? It has the word sorry in it but it also calls me a know it all, which honestly I wasn’t trying to be. And what does high school have to do with anything? We all have reasons for hating high school. Some of us have to live with those reasons every day. Some of us can deal with those reasons like adults and not resort to being a bitch. (Sorry extreme but she is just so rude and ugh I don’t need to start that rant again.)
This brings me to part two of why I’m having a suck ass time. I am trying to find a job right now. It is sort of essential that I find one. I have about twenty dollars to my name right now and I have bills that I need to pay. I don’t have a lot of options here because for one thing no one is hiring and also I can’t work retail (seriously I tried and ended up having a nervous breakdown complete with sitting in the fetal position and hyperventilating, I cannot handle that again.) So I found this thing at school for a Disney internship and while I hate the Disney corporation (partly responsible for the breakdown) I would not say no to a job where I can leave the state for a bit, they pay over 8 bucks an hour, they provide housing and transportation, would let me either work in the back or in a position where I could take pictures all day, and would put me near the Harry Potter theme park. So I had to go to this seminar thing to even be able to apply, I went and the lady there was really positive about everything and made it sound like if you applied you would get the job (which I know is what they’re supposed to do Disney is supposed to be the world of hope) So I sat through that thing for an hour and got my code to fill out the application which had to be filled out within 48 hours of the seminar. I was really busy that week but I cleared some time and sat down to do the application, which asked me the same questions over and over again and took about an hour and a half, then they had what they called the online interview which is like a stupid personality test. That took forever and when I got to the end of it I got a message saying “thanks for your interest but you aren’t what we are looking for” which really bummed me out because yes I hate people but I can fake it with the best of them and it’s not like I said anything negative about anything on the application. It made it seem like they were just looking for specific answers and I wasn’t worth the time I would take to have an actual human look over my application.
The next thing I tried was getting a job in Park Safety at the Zoo which is pretty much just making sure that people have id badges if they want to into an employee area and telling people that there is no smoking on Zoo grounds. Having filled out many applications I have learned that I really hate online ones. I don’t think that people even really look at them that closely. So I got a paper application and took it in and handed it to the person I was told was in charge of accepting those. A few days later I got a call saying “I have your application on my desk here but I’m not really sure why.” Which confused me I thought that applications were a little self explanatory. The man I was talking to continued on to tell me that I needed to fill out the online application and that after I did that they would schedule me for an interview. So I called my mom at work and asked to borrow her computer because mine was dead and I accidentally left the power cord at my dad’s house and wouldn’t be able to get it for several days. I filled out the application, sent it in, and waited for my call. The call came in the form of a letter sent to the house saying “Thanks for interviewing put you’re not who we’re looking for.” I didn’t even get to interview.
The reason that I’m so bummed right now is that I again applied to the Zoo this time in Guest Relations which wouldn’t have been my favorite thing to do but I could have done it, I grew up at that zoo and know it like the back of my hand and as I said I can fake liking people who think that they are better then you just because they aren’t wearing a stupid uniform. This time I made sure to do the application online first, I heard nothing back and was getting a little sad about it so I asked my mom if she could ask her friend Stefan to put in a good word for me because he is a guest relations supervisor and I know him and we’ve hung out a little bit. So he did and all of a sudden I had an interview. So I freaked out about this interview forever, I was so nervous, I was seriously on the verge of getting sick or freaking out or something like that but I went to the interview smile plastered all over my face. I got there and there were four other people waiting for the same interview time and by the time we got into the interview room (45 minutes late) there were eight of us, two people didn’t show up. So then not only did I have to stand out I had to stand out of a mass. I wouldn’t be given the chance to have to singular focus of the interviewer. I did my best an I definitely did better then all of those people except for one who was just way more perky then I was. So I was feeling good and making plans for how I would pay off my credit card (I know cliché college debt but it’s not like I was going crazy buying stupid crap. I was buying food for me and my dad which he promised he would pay back and hasn’t/can’t yet) and how I would be able to afford to buy jeans that fit. Then I got home yesterday and there in the mail was a letter from the zoo. I didn’t need to open it because you only get the letter if you didn’t get the job. I opened it anyway. Thanks but no thanks.
I don’t understand what I did wrong and I don’t understand why people don’t like me. I would be good at whatever job they asked me to do and I would always try my best and I don’t understand why no one will ever give me a chance. Before you point out that I got that retail job that was only because my friend Catie worked there and the boss loved her and she bugged Becky everyday until she gave me the job. And yes I know that ended badly but no one else knows that and I would be in a totally different working environment and I did well when I worked at Fed Ex (again Catie got me the job) and that ended very well aside from the fact that I wasn’t ready to leave that job but I had to because it was only a temporary position.
It just sucks because I NEED a job and I don’t know what to do about it and I can’t afford food let alone anything else. And I’m so grateful to my mom for letting me stay with her and for paying for me but I want to be an adult and no one will let me grow up and yet most people look at me like I’m a lazy failure and I’m trying so hard and it’s not paying off. The point is I don’t get why people won’t even give me a chance. Please don’t say that it just wasn’t meant to be because I know I’ll hear that from my friends and that’s really not what I need to hear because I can’t see how being broke and depressed is meant to be.
Anyway I just needed to vent all of that. Sorry it’s so freaking long but thanks for reading all the way to the end…if you did that is. I promise I’ll do the Meg Cabot blog tomorrow.