Minor Freak Out

I'm totally frustrated with my life right now. I don't have a job, I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a life really. I want a job most of all right now the rest I think would follow. Trouble is I have no real skills at least not anything marketable and I have a serious social anxiety problem which keeps me out of most jobs. I want something where I could just sit on an office and file or something like that where I don't have to deal with people really and can just do my own things and be able to do the stuff I love after work. I know the dream is supposed to be that find what you love and then find a way to get paid for it but I don't think anyone is going to pay me to watch movies or read books, they may pay me to take pictures but trouble with that is while I may think that I'm decent no one else seems to and there are plenty of people who are better than me and more able to talk themselves up so they get the jobs. Seriously I don't think it's really asking a lot to get the job that really as far as I can tell no one wants but I don't even know how to go about getting that sort of job. I know how to fill out applications for retail stores online but I can't do retail as it is I can't even get anyone to call me in for an interview. I've all but given up. Which leads to other problems in that I can't live on no income, my parents have been good in letting me be so far but I know that won't last forever and I really don't want it to cause oh my god do I want to move out of this house. If I have to live here much longer I mught just actually decide that the streets are better. I'm sick of liveing with my Dad, I don't want to go into all of the details of why I hate it here so much but the main bits are that he lives like he's the only one here and he's still got me and my brother at home, he's teaching my brother that being gross and leaving the house the way he does is okay and that's it's okay to talk down to me, he calls me fat when he weighs at least twice what I do, he doesn't have a job and hasn't looked at all in two years, he never had a job when I was growing up until I was fourteen, and when I ask for any sort of help in getting my life together (which lets face it I have no idea how to do since my role model is him) he just gets annoyed and goes back to watching law and order, or he doesn't even acknowledge that I've spoken, not like he's ignoring me but that he is just becoming more and more unaware that there are other people in this house who may have something to say and he doesn't even hear us. I'm seriously considering moving in with my mom. She too has her faults but they aren't as bad as my dad's. I just don't know if I want to spend all day sitting around at her house waiting for something to happen, she works all day and then gets home and like most people doesn't really want to do anything which would mean more sitting around for me, plus she goes to bed super early and I stay up super late (literally sometimes she's getting up when I go to bed) Gah I just don't know what to do with my life, I don't know what I want and I don't know how to get it and I wish that someone would step up and tell me how to be an adult because I'm not doing so well with figuring it out for myself. Don't get me wrong I know some people would say that you're just supposed to suck it up and do what you have to do to get by, but I tried that and I ended up hyperventillating in the corner of my bedroom while my dad yelled at me that there were people counting on me. (Which they weren't all I ever got was busy work while my boss would go into her office and whisper and the assistant manager would make me do things that I had heard she only made you do right before she fired you. Also I was fully aware that freaking out and not being able to function is counter productive but there is no call to yell at a person for that. You can't help it if you can't breathe properly) I never really got to a proper point there but I don't care I'm having issues today and I need to vent somehow cause obviously I'm being ignored here.

Photograntland

Um, hi, I'm not so good with the blog most every day may thing but whatever I'm here now. Today was my second photography class it was good, a little boring honestly but that's because this is mostly a beginner class and I'm not a beginner. It was all about f-stops and shutter speeds and iso which I already know mostly. I say mostly because I learned it for film (like motion picture not still) and this is a tiny bit different but still it's stuff I mostly know. I'm looking forward to later classes because it will be more creative and we'll be getting more feedback and whatnot, I really like my teacher, he's really laid back and will joke around with us and actually teach not just lecture at us (I'm sure everyone has had that teacher) also he doesn't look at me like I'm the special kid in class which a lot a my teachers have done, specifically when I was in film school although I think that was partly because I said I liked Kevin Smith films and Hedwig and the Angry Inch was one of my favorite movies oh and that I HATED the movie Seven but the two main teachers there I had the problem with LOVED David Fincher so they're of course going to be upset when they assign a paper to watch Seven and then write about why it works and I write the paper saying that I don't think it works at all and totally tear it apart. They also had no respect for Kevin Smith movies I guess because they are comedies and all good movies need to be dramas or something. What can I say if I'm going to watch a movie over and over again I want one that's going to entertain me and make me laugh even if I watch it every day for two weeks straight (which I did do with Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back)not something that has blood and guts and killing and it rains every day except the one day the main characters need to be in the desert to get a severed head and some other stuff needs to happen in the sunlight, or a movie with Brad Pitt ( I despise Brad Pitt). Wow sorry just realized the major rant that just happened my point being this teacher doesn't automatically dismiss me just because I'm a girl who likes Kevin Smith movies.

On a different subject entirely I've been reading Johnny Durham's blog and thinking about the british (is it capitalized there?) in general and I WANT TO MOVE TO ENGLAND!!!!!!!! That's all I have on that without going into another giantly boring rant.

Later

Contentedness

Do you ever get a feeling of such contentedness that you don't want to do anything for fear of losing that feeling? I have that right now. I like it. The trouble is soon I'm going to have to come back to the real world and that is going to suck. For the moment I can just be and enjoy this feeling because I haven't been happy like this since I can't remember when, I want to say beginning of college maybe. I wish I could live in the moment forever, I know people wish that all the time and people chase that feeling too but that's not me. The more I chase this feeling the farther (further?) it seems. Soon I'm going to have to pick something to do and I know that won't help this feeling. I'll just go back to being regular Ellie. I could try to just sit forever and enjoy this but in a few minutes I would get bored and again I would get lost. This is really nice I feel like I have a purpose and that everything will work out, I know it won't and sitting around isn't going to help matters but I feel like if I sit things will be okay for just another minute longer. I know I sound high or something but I swear I don't do drugs and I haven't been drinking it's just a random alignment of the universe and I love it.